Investments

I have chosen to diversify
I have decided,
You no longer fit within my portfolio
When you told me I was your investment plan
To be exact
I was your “401k”
But not just that
I am an investment plan that one day you may not get to enjoy
Your interest is not really peaking mine
Anymore
When you told me it is not a discussion
You told me
Stop being so cruel
When you told me this
All through text
I should understand because
“Well you know how I get”
My anxiety and depression reflecting on you like a two way mirror
You said you were glad
Glad that I was better off than when you found me
But darling, I, I was not lost
You just needed a body to fill your empty time and lonely heart
You know, you ruin your own day a lot
You know, you say you know a lot for someone who doesn't know me
You are acting crazy and uncertain
Baby, maybe it’s because I am.
I am crazy and uncertain
I am uncertain about how crazy I am being okay with you
You took your knife and began to widdle me down, the tree I was growing into, as you
carved your name into my side
Whispering, “You belong to me now”
Trust
You told me my mental illness is gross and uncool
I know
I don’t flaunt it
I know I am trying to get better
You should know
Or did you forget when you forced me to give you my therapsids phone number
And ultimatum between trust and care
Or maybe when you gave me a list of places to go away to get better
Darling what do you want?
My savior, what do you want?
Do I get on my knees and pray to you
You called yourself “my savior”
But if I’m going to hurt just do it in private
The scars are disgusting

Darling, you may be a soldier
But you have not yet fought my fight
You have not yet known the battles in my mind
Contorting on what is truth or a lie
How can I be a leader when in my mind both the devil and god have the same
handwriting
With different stories in a language I never learned
Yet grew up hearing
How could you say you know?
My mind telling me somedays I am the sun and the rainbow
While others I am the rain and the clods
You say you look past that
Look past how I dress
How I cut my hair
Because you are so kind and giving
You forgot that you were looking past me
And instead looking into the two way mirror that our relationship was
When you told me you couldn’t stand next to me
You couldn’t be with someone so trashy and un-classy
Projection can be a bitch when all you saw was yourself
So tell me, do you know
That when you broke me you gave yourself seven years of bad luck?

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